mahal kita.
Magkamali man ako
Yun ang kailanman hindi ko malilimutan.

At kahit pa sabihin mo na ikaw ang nagkamali
Ang puno't dulo ng lahat ay
mahal kita.

Buti na lang.

I got these from her photoshoot.









i love the way you smile.


i'm so proud of you, of us. i love you. :)

My sister is engaged to be married on December this year. They have not yet decided on which date it would be, basta they really want the wedding to be in December.

They have been together for over three years now, and truth be known they have undergone lots of problems all those years. I've seen her cry, I've heard him cry over the phone (yeah, that happened), I heard her saying that they've broke up just months after they were together. Well, whatever happened for those past years led them to this point of finally deciding on building their own happily ever after.

As for me, well, I've been in such an unexplainable state of happiness since November. Jas's family flew all the way to NYC to do some business shiz. I thought it'll take a fairly long time before I see her again, but then again, sobrang mahal lang talaga niya siguro ako and 'yon, I just saw myself holding her hands again.

She's now in LA these days, since their meetings were already done in NYC. At least it would just take a 2-hour drive to her apartment to my home. And then she said that she's planning to have an MA in clinical psychology in Stanford for the fall semester. well ayon, I'm at a loss for words. I'm just so damn happy. :0

is it a sign? tell me if its a sign.

After Ate Dai and Vince's announcement last week, our conversations sometimes touched upon the notion of us getting married someday: what the day would be like, when and how the ceremony would be like, etc. We even thought of joining in some of those shows which sponsor the whole wedding ceremony for you just to get the hang of it. Las Vegas chapel weddings can also happen if one day we become hell drunk that we don't know what we're getting ourselves into (britney weddings flashes on the mind). She even joked that we wouldn't get married at all. We'll just live together (when that time comes) and never committ. Haha... That'll never happen.

But really, i want to get married. I want to have kids with the woman that I'll be spending with the rest of my life. I want to be with the woman I love. Culture demands that I must concentrate on my career first because I'm still too young to get married.

Hell no. Age doesn't matter when it comes to love. Age doesn't really matter when you finally decide when you're getting married. I want to get married right now.

Hah! Be rational. Be logical. Be a machine.

As the days go by, I think I'm being dehumanized by all these law books and civil codes and all this shiz. I miss my philosophy profs who always had those reasons on all the things that suddenly lights up in a certain event.

Hay buhay nga talaga.

I better study. Else, I'll get fucked up again during our debates.

I guess I'll be having my happily ever after after what? 8 and a half years?

Hah! I deserve better than that.

***

at least i have you...
and now i still have a reason to believe.

I have had a hard time writing this entry. There's a point I want to say, but I just can't figure out how to do it. Then I realize I'm just trying to be grammatical and coherent again. There's really no need to create a "perfect" intro to this one. It's just as simple as this:

I am a changed man, and I am not liking it.

I am not liking the way I look at myself, the way I think of other people, the way I treat my friends and loved ones, the way I handle my problems, the way I cope with really difficult situations, the way I deal with the past, the way I approach life in general. This is not me 9 years ago. This is not me 6 years ago. Heck, this isn't even me 2 years ago.

But then, the human spirit is a resilient force. There comes a point when it gets tired of all the drama, the envy, and the pain. It learns to withstand further stress. It learns to adapt. It learns to compromise. And I am in that situation right now. I am negotiating with myself to make myself a better man. With the help of those who love me, care for me, and believe in me, I am going to get there. Like an angel with wings spread wide, I am going to soar on greater heights, in higher flight.

I am going to get there.

And with that, I'm back.

The One That Got Away
Source: The Manila Times

In your life, you'll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There's the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you lost your virginity to, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you're with... and the one that got away.

Who is the one that got away? I guess it's that person, with who everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person; there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards just didn't fall the right way, I suppose.

I believe in the fact that ending up with someone, finding a longtime partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing. It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little niceties of giddy romance.

How often have you gone through it without even realizing it? When you're not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn't matter who you're with, it just doesn't work. Small problems become big; inconsequential, become deal breakers simply because you're not ready and it shows. It's not that you and the person you're with are no good; it just that it's not yet right, and little things become the flashpoint of that fact.

Then one day you're ready. You really are. And when this happens you'll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be the most perfect. They might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it'll work because you're ready. It will work because it's the right time and you'll make it work. And it'll make sense, it really will.

So that day comes when you're finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, and you finally understand who you are and what you want. And you've become ready because the time has truly arrived. And mind you, there's no telling when this day will come. Hopefully
you're single but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids.
It doesn't matter. All you know is that you've changed, and for some reason, the one that got away is the first person you think about.

You'll think about them because you'll wonder, "What if they were here today?" You'll wonder, "What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?" That's what the one that got away is, the biggest "What if?" you'll have in your life.

If you're married, you'll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully you're mature enough to realize that you're already with the one you're with
and this is just another test of your commitment. One which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it. Sure, you'll think about him/her every so often, but it's alright. It's never nice to live with a "might have been," but it happens.

Maybe the one that got away is the one who's already married. In which case it's the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you're old and gray and reminiscing.

But if neither of that is the case, then it's different. What do you do if it's not yet too late? Simple...find him, find her. Because the very existence of a "one that got away" means that you'll always wonder what if you got that one.
Ask him out to coffee; ask her out to a movie, it doesn't matter if you've dropped in from out of nowhere. You'd be surprised, you just might be "the one that got away" as well for the person who is your "the one that got away."

You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won't make a difference. If the timing is finally right, it'll all just fall into place somehow and you know. I'm thinking, it would be a great feeling in the end, to be able to say to someone, "Hey you, you're the one that ALMOST got away."

Jas and I was having such a nerdy conversation last night. From Theo, to Philo, until we came to the basics of Psychology. We came back to Ms. Queena's discussion on Socioemotional Development of The Human being.

The genius named Erik Erikson developed the Theory of Socioemotional Development which suggested that people undergo eight psychosocial stages throughout their lifespan. Interestingly, I've come to notice that I'm in this stage: Intimacy versus Isolation. It's either that I end up being a bald old single man isolated in a far northern island strange to man, OR a sugar daddy. Sheesh, I'm in the first steps of being in the early adulthood period (then I'm gonna be in middle and late adulthood soon *crosses his fingers*).

Anyway, in this stage, individuals face the developmental task of forming intimate relationships with others.

Erikson, I believe, dwelled on the ideas of romanticism. In contrary to ideal thought, romantics pervade and go beyond what society's rules and ideologies. Why would I believe that? Here's the proof: he described intimacy as finding oneself yet losing oneself in another person.

I believe that I've already found myself and and the same time, lost myself in another person. Haaaah.. 'nuff said.

Shit. I can't believe I wrote mushy stuff again.

TO THE EVIL WITCH:

I think it is crazy how I never thought that I would wake up one morning and realize that I have fallen in love.

When I first saw you, I pinched myself the hardest one could ever do so as to wake myself up from the drunken stupor I was in. For a moment I believed I was in heaven; I even danced to the music the angels were singing. Upon opening my eyes I realized I was not in heaven but that an angel had come down to earth, just for me.

The music of your voice surpasses that of the greatest orchestra belting out its very best composition.our eyes dance like mermaids in the sunshine, promulgating the exotic beauty from within your innermost being. Words alone limit me to explaining exactly how I feel about you.

Every night I dream of heaven, and I'd gotten used to the idea that they are looking for an angel, one that went missing the day you stepped into my life, the day all my sorrows were washed away and I took a step into the impossible, crossing the margin from natural to supernatural.



You are my angel, but that doesn't really apply during the events when you are such an evil witch--haha!

Our life seems to be full of complexities. At times we laugh, shed tears, just stare at each other, and yeah ... fight.

Nonetheless, despite all of our apparently inconsistent ideas, we manage to move forward and survive together. Hurts that we might have caused each other may not possibly be obliterated by any word of apology. Nevertheless, I am confident that everything that we've gone through is merely part of a strong structure that God is building for us. I love you so much! To say this a million times is not enough to express how much I do. I love you dearly ... beyond the stars.

I knew it when I looked into your eyes.

Love,
THE IDIOT

since march 16.

and i'm so happy being able to hug you again.

>>>

what happened?

after these long times of eternal silence, what happened to us?

i long for your friendship. for the relationship.

but what happened?

you won't even talk to me, unlike how we used to be before.

and it's devastating.

painful..

>>>

Congratulations jas..
i love you!

What makes you think you matter?

There are no doubt a billion people in the world and uncountable others who have perished on it. Among the millions of people who have lived and died which aspect of our humanity stands out to be something that matters to the infinite universe? What do we have that makes us necessary beings? What do we have that earns us the right to live? What earns us the right to say we earned our keep on this plain shared by millions? Millions where no doubt only a handful can help influence the world more than we ever could. Some of us don’t have millions of dollars like Bill Gates. Some of us don’t have power and influence like Gloria Macapagal Arroyo. Some of us even live in a country that can’t even take care of itself. But for once, this is not the biggest problem.

The cosmos is filled with uncertainty and infinity. Full of questions and wonder, most probably full of knowledge not even a whole civilized race could ever understand which even deepens the question if we matter or not.

The reality of everything is that people die everyday, some who are tired and old and even some before they are even fully born. Does every life in this world really matter to the outcome of everything our race fulfills? Or are there only a number of people who really matter and we are just here as extra’s? People who walk aimlessly about following the words of others, looking at the world through a window others have made. If everything is all pre-destined by God or if there is an aura of Fate that binds reality together, then there would be no such thing as choice. Thus If we cannot even make choice, then how can we even be relevant?

We can all keep trying to understand the futility of meaning in our lives or the life of others for that matter. With all of this said however, people don’t seem to recognize life’s bigger perspective. They don’t seem to realize that while they may be busy finding ways to earn more money, or hatching up schemes to make another person miserable. They are missing a gigantic piece of what it means to have life. To be able to exist as a single individual, to be able to experience… an experience are all small things that make up the bigger picture of the answer to why we exist. People should be more fully aware that although we have to work to live in this hard world, there is still a larger mission in stored for all of us. It is the most important mission that is unique and limitless to everyone. It might be a mission of finding out why you actually want to become a lawyer. Why you spend hours studying med school books that cost ten percent of your tuition fee. Why you spend more than half your week with friends and later on begin to wonder why you feel so alone.

Do any of us fully understand what it means to be who we are? Most importantly, do we understand the need to?

Below are thirteen heartfelt messages I want to say to people. I won't disclose who I'm addressing these messages to, and I won't disclose how many people are actually involved (that is, it's not necessarily one-to-one). You'll just need to figure it all out. :)

1. I don't like you that much. I feel like this space is better reserved for someone I do like, but I just have to release this venom out. Perhaps it's the condescension. Perhaps it's that fucking knowing look you have, feeling like you have something on me. Well guess what? You don't.

2. You're unique in the sense that, among all of you, you are the only one who knows. And I'm not really surprised at the way you took care of me when I was at my lowest low. You used your words. Given your power of eloquent speech, you moved me to move on. You gave me the impression that you understood. You empathized with me. For that, and for so much more, I thank you. I'm glad that you're my confidant.

3. I have mixed emotions about you. Until now, I still don't understand what it is that I truly feel. So many things have happened since we met: there was a point when I wanted to hate you, but I couldn't. There was a point when I wanted to love you, but I wouldn't. You have made things certainly more complicated. For better or for worse, I don't know. Given the way my life is going, it seems like it's for worse. But let's see in 2007. Things may change.

4. If you recall, you responded to my plea of help. I should have known you are the type of person who would do things like that to your friends. You don't know how happy I was when I got to receive your messages. And you did it not only once, but twice, using different means. Rock on, my friend. Continue making a difference in people's lives.

5. I know I've written this somewhere before. My feelings about you are as tumultuous as a roaring river, and as twisted as a roller coaster. From adoration, I moved to nervousness, then to dislike, then to downright hate, then to dislike, then to "love", then to nonchalance, then to dislike, then back to nonchalance, and now... I might actually be starting to warm up again! Amazing. We might actually become friends again!

6. I'm sorry. You didn't deserve every bad thing you've experienced from me.

7. There are moments when I think that you're an unappreciative brat. But one look at the written word and I realize that maybe there's more to this "ingratitude" than meets the eye. I shouldn't be too quick to judge. Now I understand that you really do care about what we have done for you. It's a good thing my perception has changed, because I don't want to add to the misery you're currently experiencing. I'm just here if you need me, like always. Again, I'm sorry for reading too much into your indifference.

8. Graduate studies wouldn't be the same without you. This is true in every sense. Thank you for being there for me; I appreciate the friendship. I'm sorry if I entered your life in ways that modified it to great lengths. I mean this apology, and I hope you accept it.

9. When asked what it was I thought about you, I gave a response that surprised you. I'm sure you know what I said then was true. I myself could testify to the lengths you would take to make a friend feel special. And I have been a recipient of your well-intentioned efforts. Thank you for welcoming me. Thank you for making me feel I belong.

10. At last! That is all I can say. At last! Here's to a love-laden and love-filled 2007!

11. You suck. Haha. Well, not really. Well, maybe. You suck. I don't know what it is about you that caught my attention in the first place. Admittedly, you're cute, and you're quite charming, but those shouldn't have been enough for you to affect me like that. I know you didn't lead me on, but still... couldn't you be more direct about it? I'm glad that phase of my life is over. It lasted much longer than it should.

12. Your concern for others is quite amazing. I can't fathom how someone could be so dedicated in helping others. But I'm not one to complain. Without you, I would have long been discovered as the dumbass I really am. With you, I have learned to grow as a person, in more ways than the professional one. There are a lot of things I still want to say about you, but I limited it to the most impressive one. The rest can be seen in your Friendster testimonial, which is soon to follow.

13. Last but not the least. Definitely not the least. You know I've always mentioned how difficult it is to write something about you. You now might think differently, given that I have actually written something about you, but the truth still stands: it's hard to describe someone who has been perfect in almost every way. How can I justify how kind, how caring, how thoughtful you have been... how selfless you remain until now? I simply cannot. Let me then just say: Thank you. I'm so lucky to have met you. I'm looking forward to many more years of friendship. :)

Every long lost dream led me to where you are

Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

Is there a specific place in the recess of your mind? It’s the place that you can seem to remember every vivid detail about, though you haven’t seen it in years. It’s the certain area that haunts your memory, like a shadow behind you. It’s a place you cannot forget. This abandoned shack was such a place.

It was like an eerie graveyard, a place where old things were put to rest. The humble brick fireplace, blackened by years of crackling fires, now stood frozen and ash-filled. The winds murmured and wailed against the rickety boards that attempted to keep it out. A lone rocking chair swayed, as though a ghost was settled in it. The shifting motion blew away the dust layers covering the mahogany carpentry to reveal the elaborate carvings. Only to be entombed, once again, by another sheet of thin dirt.

The weak shelter veiled the intruder with an involuntary shudder of trepidation. The floorboards were blanketed in aging filth and groaned underneath the pressure of heavy footfalls. The cold of the season tasted bitter to the tongue and the sickly smell of surrounding pine trees dizzied the senses. A meek spider scurried nimbly to its cracked home in the corner. The cobwebs, visible in the sinking sunlight, were weaved strategically in corners and reminding the intruder of the age and wreck of the hovel.

A trickling sound reminded the intruder of the world away from this unsettling shack. Beyond the grimy shattered window, the low gurgling of a far-off beck echoed around the room. A sharp burning breeze flurried in as the flimsy door flew open and ricocheted closed. The shack was once again abandoned, but to be seen many times… in a memory.

It’s the place that haunts the back of your mind’s eye and hangs over you like an overcast cloud. It’s a place unrecalled but in a memory revisited. It’s a place that stays with you forever. It’s a place you remember and beg to forget.

Fate is the ultimate defeat. Life is a series of unsurmountable challenges, impossible situations. Happiness is thrown to the winds at birth. They may choose to shift the sands to a peak, but it cannot last. The dune will shift, leaving the dust scattered across the sea. At the point where all hope is lost, we give in to fate, only to be dashed against the rocks. The liver is eaten by the vulture, only to grow back for another meal.

This isn’t meant to be a story, merely a question to the stars, hoping for an answer.

It seems no matter how much I try, I can’t forget my past. Why? I can’t get away from the friendships and relationships I once had. I cut off contact, moved three thousand miles away, and tried to start over and forget about the people and friendships I once had, but no matter how well I think im doing, no matter how far away I feel I’m running, I always come back. My mind will see something, hear something, smell something, and even feel something that will bring back all the memories and all the good times. It sees the good, not the bad. The mind is like superman in that sense… it tries to look for the good and just in people rather than remembering all the mean, heartless, unfaithful, and messed up things people have done to you. Some people are better at holding grudges and forgetting than others. Not me. I can’t hold anything against someone for too long. Whether it be because I just care too much or if my memory just isn’t that great anymore, I always give in.

Recovery is not easy. It never was. Up until now I cannot honestly say that I have recovered. But I can try to reach that moment when I can be happy with myself once again. I can attempt to reach that point when I don't suddenly stare into space thinking of what-ifs and suddenly fall into uncomfortable silence thinking of if-only's.

Yet in my quest of finding new meaning in the future, I have to face what I have done in the past. I have to remember, so that I may learn. Hence, this blog stays despite everything that has happened. Life is a continuous series of events, both happy and sad, both good and bad, and this blog will attempt to emulate that.

Despite the pain. Despite the sorrow.

In hopes of sunshine after the rain. In hopes for an enlightened tomorrow.

The mornings are the worst. The mornings are the loneliest. Especially that moment when I have my hand on the door, that moment when I have to leave again for school. I hesitate, because I know something's missing. Something's not the same. I linger on for a while before finally stepping out of the room to leave. But my footfalls are now a little bit louder, and the closing of the door a little bit firmer. Just so I'll be noticed. Just so I can say, "I'm still here."

School work distracts me, and I feel better.

The nights are even better and I am thankful. There's still that distinct pang of pain that can only be sadness caused by a lost love. Not love lost, for that will remain. And I want it to. The nights are better, even with that pain, because the contact remains. The conversations remain. And the loving remains. The nights are better up until that point when I have to sleep, when I have to face the full force of the sadness once again. When my thoughts tell me that I have to leave in the morning a little bit earlier again, and at night, sleep a little bit earlier again.

i'm tired.
i'm confused.
i don't want to think anymore.

that's what i've always done.
think and think and think some more.

why can't i just have fun?
why do i always have to think?

i want to be in a happy place.
i want to be blissful: in a beach, in a resthouse, in a bar.
away from everything.
away from every single thing that causes me sadness.
with a glass of juice, or a pillow, or a beer in hand.
alone, but not really alone.
talking to the sea, talking to the birds, talking to some random stranger.

no one i know is with me.
in this place, i am in a bubble.
protected. defended. secure.

i worry about nothing.
i worry about no one.

because in the end, there's just me.

i deserve to be alone. i think i'm meant to be alone.

i am terribly, terribly tired.
i am terribly, terribly sad.

just.
sad.

getting tired is only a state of mind.

emo mode in 5..

4..

3..

2..

1..

People say that seconds before you die you will see your life's greatest accomplishment. How come when I closed my eyes, all I saw was you?

Our relationship can be best described as a crumpled piece of paper; no matter how hard you try to straighten it out, it'll never take on its true form.

Some people believe that holding on and hanging in there are signs of strength, but there are times in life when it takes much more strength to just let go.

A failing love is like desperately hanging on to something precious; not wanting to give up, but your hands feel the pain. And, when you finally let go, you're free from any pain, but your hands are empty.

I love you simply because you're you.

Yeah.. I've been here since last August 21, 2006. Mom says we're really going to spend quite some time here. Nah.. Actually, it's permanent. Yes, we're going to have to live here until I reach 50 (that is, if I could really reach that certain age).

Ditz and Ate Dai moved in with me (hah.. i should've chosen another term for it) here in Palo Alto. Stanford offers apartments for 3-4 people called the Stanford West Apartments, or simply known as the Palo Alto. And I'm going to spend my life with them again. Hell yeah. This is going to be a rollercoaster.

Staying in San Francisco was rather tiring for Ditz and ate Dai, my sisters. It was really a looong drive from San Francisco to Stanford, so they decided to rent an apartment near the campus. They used to live in our house there in San Francisco. I really wanted to live there, but given these conditions right now, I guess we'll just really have to live here in Palo Alto.

And so now, what's left for me to do is this: study again. Study for the heck of it. Study law.

It feels so good to finally break into that passing list for the law school. I mean, I was considering business school before I decided to really take up law here due to the fact that they got me waitlisted in the law school, while I really passed in the graduate school of business. I was taken aback by those things. Hah.. My ego is just HUGE, and forgive me for that. peace.

But then again, I'll take up law. Or else, I could possibly die if I wouldn't follow that stupid guy. Again, my apologies.

It's fall season. The season is just so overwhelming to behold. It's just so emotional that it brings back the memories that I've left there in my true home.

I'm missing you again...

Anyway, I hope you're all okay guys. The semester starts on September 1. Gahd, I must do well--just for the heck of it.